bonfires & my vanity

There are bigger problems in the world than the color of my face, but damn if it's a bothersome thing -- wondering what shade of flame is on display.  And when the heat is on, I can't but help but want to run for some low-lighting. Oh well. What doesn't kill you, makes you red. I guess I can live with that.

timewhines #1

Time. I feel like it's generally working against me. I end up taking it personally, as if it's a thing with a will, with emotions and agendas. Begging, borrowing, and negotiating don't seem to work. The train is coming, and it doesn't stop. Now I'm airing my grievances.


P.S. Don't click for more if bad language makes you cringe. And for those that couldn't avoid it, sorry, I drop bombs sometimes. It's my "feelings" word.

2013 -- no duh

In an ongoing annual tradition, I am issuing yet another broad proclamation about the upcoming year. I must be in denial because this is pretty much a resolution, even if I pretend it's not. For 2013 I'm going the no-duh route and challenging myself to FINALLY, ACTUALLY, REALLY, TRULY make a conscious effort to treat my body and mind better. I've heard rumors that putting good things in leads to good things coming out, with side effects like happiness, health, longer life, better memory, restful sleep. It's so crazy it might just work.

confliction

I need to tape this to my hands. Always free, doesn't mean always eat. So stop it Erin.

2012 - nuff said

I've mentioned this before but I'll say it again -- I really don't do resolutions. Refraining goes against every OCD list-making tendency I have, I know.  I think this is because with such specificity I open myself to failure and there's no real chance of immediacy in checking things off. "Get in shape" getting scratched off (maybe) 6 months down the line is far less gratifying than "go to the post office", which can be done that day. When it comes to list making I'm in it for the quick thrills.

And when it comes to actual goals is there really any new territory to cover? I can either jot down for the millionth time "stop eating things that slowly kill you", or come up with something new like "learn how to Benjamin Button yourself". Ugh, so it's tiring or implausible. Last year I made an attempt at resolutions by casting a very wide net. I'm pretty sure that there were some misses even with that generous vagueness. So this year I'm thinking it's time to really get broad, leaving a definitive opening for accomplishment and self-improvement. If this doesn't work maybe next year I'll resort to "breath and stuff".

1 minute photoshop: determination

Seriously, some days it almost feels possible to get everything done. But then I need a good nap or extended sleep and everything gets derailed. How do people sustain constant doing? I'm going to keep trying to figure it out and if I discover the magic key to daily list domination I'll share my secret.

1 minute photoshop: deathtrap

I don't really know how to say what I'm trying to say, so I'll jump to my default which is using crude shapes to poorly explain the map of my brain. I wish there was an endpoint, a final destination, for how I process death... that when I landed on the shaky ground that barely qualifies as acceptance, I was able to stay there. It's not a nice place to be but it's better than the alternative. Instead the cycle starts all over again and I obsessively dwell on what will never be, what could be, what won't be known. The light at the end always leads back to dark. If anyone has an instructional manual on how to vanquish needless worry and premature regret I'm all ears.

1 minute photoshop: paradox

This kind of post has unfortunately become all too familiar... I do my disappearing act and then return a month or so later with an apology and a list of reasons for my absence. And like the times before, I'm pretty sure no-one missed me. Nonetheless I come armed with my bag of excuses.

Since February I've started a new second job... which I guess is more like my first job now, and the first job is the second. Whatever, I have two jobs and work more than I did before. My computer succumbed to yet another illness and needed to go away for a while. My car was permanently disabled in a semi-bizarre albeit non-exciting hit and run. There have been birthdays. There's been some traveling. So a whole lot of something and I don't feel much to show for it. I don't know how that happens.

My body and mind have been simultaneously busy and unproductive. Giant apologies to anyone that has ordered something from my shop and not gotten it yet. I'm getting my butt in gear and your items, plus more, will arrive soon.  I will also try to keep this blog updated more, if something interesting or ridiculous strikes me. And I really hope to make some things. My brain feels like a jar of old dried up paint. Hopefully it's salvageable. Stay tuned.

blurg

Feeling grody today; so, sorry no postings until later. Have a great weekend! I'm going to see if I can find this old Kappa sweatshirt and nurse my tummy in the comforting warmth of nostalgia.

dreaming of pictures

Last night I had the most vivid and amazing dreams about taking photos. They were portraits, sharp, saturated, and a little haunting. But I remember feeling electric, excited, and happy about the new pictures... like I had regained a sense of accomplishment I hadn't know in ages. Then I woke up. On the one hand I felt invigorated, reminded that there will always be more projects, more opportunities if my mind has the power to take me there, and hopefully a chance to do/be better. But I was also really bummed out and let down, like I had tried to catch smoke with my bare hands and everything drifted off into nothingness.

A few days ago I brought in my other 35mm camera (the one that wasn't stolen) to get cleaned. I'm hoping it will be in decent working order and I can start clicking away. I have other cameras but find myself lacking the love or confidence to be very happy with their performance or what is produced. I know they are only the tool and probably not entirely to blame, but enjoying what you are using counts for a lot I think. We will see.

1 minute photoshop: mediocrity

Yeah, I have added yet another half-glass illustration into the world, further driving the cliche into overdone territory. I can't seem to help how I feel though, or stop myself from letting the world (or 10 people) know that life right now is feeling like a big glass of meh. Could be worse, could be better. At this point I'm kinda rooting for picking a side and running with it though. I want my cup to runneth over or be thrown in my face.

1 minute photoshop: overemployment

Hello again! Remember me? I'm not even quite sure how much time has passed but it's been a while. I've become pretty good at this M.I.A. thing. Let me explain...

About a month or so ago I got a 2nd job. YES! As many are aware, since I'm so prone to bitching and complaining about money woes, I have been quite underemployed for some time. That's better than unemployment of course, but scraping by, having your utilities routinely turned off, and living off of pizza scraps gets a little old. So I was in luck when I scored an additional job. This means however that I work 7 days a week and at varying hours of the day.

Just as my number 2 job came along I also had an opportunity to move in with my boyfriend. So in my free time I packed, and packed, and packed, and then moved, and... well, you get the idea. I have a lot of stuff which amassed in a house that was bigger than I needed, allowing for even more stuff. The whole process was slow, and is even still a little underway. I have no plans to ever move again, so even if this house is sold down the line I hope the new owners like dachshunds and a girl with a room full of kitschy crap because I'm staying.

Now here I am, I think finally getting a handle on balancing it all, sort of. I stand by the sentiment that there simply isn't enough time in the day. I guess all I can do is try, and in the process squeeze in a little fun and relationship time.

in memoriam

I'm taking a quick break from moving/working to say goodbye (dramatically) to my favorite little camera. My AE-1 is now in the clutches of some dumb ole thief that probably won't have a whole lot of luck selling the ratty old thing. It took good pictures but I doubt in the age of snazzy digital cameras it will be too enticing to anyone else. This is the last developed image I took (there was an unfinished roll in it... grrrr). Thanks for the memories buddy.

lazy sunday

Today I'm not going to be lazy. In fact I'm not sure when I will get to be again. I started a second job and am also about to move into a new house. My spare time has pretty much consisted of sleep, hence the lack of posts. Hopefully I'll eventually figure out a way to balance it all and find time to continue to do the things I love to do. I hate that I am so broke that this is what I have to resort to (working every day at all different hours), and I'm still learning to be a proper adult and suck it up; I'm finding it hard right now to keep things in perspective and appreciate the positive.

But enough of my whining. I hope the rest of you are enjoying the day! Just watch out for those bed bugs.

[ photo credit Patrick Joust ]

deep bullshit

A few weeks ago I felt like I had at least had one eyebrow above water. How quickly I go back below, into the depths of debt. Seriously, I'm tired of this. And seriously, I'm a big cry baby.

1 minute photoshop: comprehension

The other day I was having a moment. Some days I feel better with age, closer to finding that inner peace or at least more patience and understanding than say a decade ago. Then just like that, with a bad night's sleep or a disagreement, the universe is turned upside down. Not because of the event in itself (that would be more dramatic than even I am capable of) but because I feel silly for my naivety in believing it's possible to have a consistent and proud handle on life. Don't get me wrong, everything's a-ok. I enjoy the occasional I'm-WAY-smaller-than-the-world revelations and am coming to terms with what I can't/won't wrap my head around, no matter how old I get.

need to want less: youth

I don't obsess much over my looks but one area I can't ignore is my hair, at least the grey part. I got my first grey hair when I was in high school and I would venture to say at this point I'm probably about 45% grey. I have no idea, because my hair is always loaded up with some crappy box color. Every time my roots grow out I run for the dye before I can be shocked by the reality of my aging hair. Some people have said they like the salt and pepper look. And I do, just not on me. I don't know where this premature adieu to being a brunette comes from... not from my parents. Non-existent vitamin intake. Stress. Whatever the case I'm not ready to embrace the change. And no matter my financial situation denial is something I'm unfortunately willing to splurge on.

peanut butter diary

Once upon a time I was maybe a tad bit broker than I am now. It was late summer of '08 and I ate a lot of peanut butter sandwiches. I had this lame idea that I was going to keep a peanut butter diary... after my daily sandwich take a photo of the jar and jot down my thoughts. Yep, genius. So the project didn't last very long and I never did anything with the results. What a shame. Figured now was a good time to purge this silliness from the vaults of weird incomplete endeavors.






- today was full of annoyances. caught all the red lights in town. the hot felt hotter.



- well rested. pendulum of panic vs. calm. i am not as nice as i used to think i was. i pissed off the one person i can't afford to lose.




- the dark knight is even better the second time around. and i want more.




- house hunting is frustrating. so many almosts. casino royale wasn't as good as i thought it'd be.




- how many times can someone watch the dark knight in a week. well a lot i guess. imax is a pretty way to do it. i watched batman beginning again. not nearly as good. bought a book for a book club.




- today is the first day i really didn't feel like eating this. but i did eat a new flavor of doritos which is depressingly a highlight. maybe got a house. the process is stressful.

need to want less: convenience

Meh, I'm not exactly wild about this but it mainly exists to illustrate a point. Yet again I'm touching on food stuff, an accidental on-going theme. I don't think of myself as someone with eating issues, BUT I must be. Maybe not the conventional ones though (say, eating too much, not enough, not keeping it down... you know, all the After School Special stuff). I like to eat. I like really good food. But I will settle for the mediocre out of laziness. Beyond that, yeah I'm still not too keen on veggies. Add to that, I don't have a whole lot of money (that's probably my lamest excuse but my favorite go-to).

I eat crap. I have a long history of barely digesting crap, and one of these days I'm sure it will catch up to me. I don't think about my eating habits often, but clearly it's something that's on my mind. As someone that is about the furthest thing from a "foodie" I focus on the have-not, the shortcomings of my diet versus the what I do right or could do better. And as somebody that is not a cook, not a culinary risk taker, I sometimes find it funny that the majority of my work history has been at restaurants, that I love cooking shows, and the idea of baking makes me giddy. I feel this so-close-yet-so far relationship with food, like I was meant to embrace it but don't know how or haven't come to terms with it.

Could it be my infant allergies, or my restricted menu when I had no teeth as a pre-teen, or lack of exposure to "the finer things", or fear of the unknown. It's not normal, but I have over the years accepted the oddity as just being me instead of really making a go of changing. Point is, laziness is my biggest enemy right now and changing that is the real place to start. I've got such food-on-the-brain I've decided to dedicate this weeks' posts to edible-ish goodies. Not my typical theme so we'll see how it goes. Thankfully it's a short week.

1 minute photoshop: protection

I am not good with criticism, which has been noted here before. I have always been this way, and I suppose it's not that abnormal however I don't like the cycle of emotions I personally experience when faced with unfavorable feedback. I get sad, then angry, then defensive, all in a matter of seconds. It's pretty gross, especially if you're on the receiving end of it (hello parents, teachers, bosses, boyfriend).

I am 100% aware that not all news is good news. I also know that choosing to put my opinions or personal creations out there is my choice and opposing views are inevitable. Common sense does not always communicate with my less rational side though. If for example I intend to keep making things like my Need to Want Less series (which for some reason I feel compelled to defend with this statement... "I'm making fun of MYSELF dumbasses") I'm going to have to deal with intelligent critiques like "awful, preachy puns masquerading as insightful. fuck off" and "wow, that sucked". Please... don't hold back.

It's probably hypocritical of me to be confused by such venom, but I never claimed to be some sage of the design world. I fully admit I barely know what I'm doing sometimes, so how I could be so offensive is unclear. And this is when living in a bubble seems like a nice alternative. Seeing as that is not too feasible I guess I will have to learn to read selectively and care more about the positive. That said, if you have CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, I'm all ears. Thanks for listening to my rant about ranters. Now I'm going to go remind myself how to not take myself so seriously.